Honesty

Honesty is a big word for me this year....


I have been in a rut and have put on far too much weight. I know where it is coming from...there have been alot of emotional stresses in my world and I regressed to old bad comfortable habits.


Yesterday was a new day, I bought all my old favorites from when I was in a far better place. I am excited to resume my eating plan back when I was happier and mentally stable.


I vow to be a FAR BETTER me this year...this is no resolution, this is a lifestyle.

Most Current Photo of Me

as you can see - it's all over my face. I'm not one of those who can just send head shot & hide their gains. My face widens & my cheeks get bigger than ever. I want my thin(er) face back.

May Revisited

May was a great month and a crummy month!

* May 4th I hit 100 lbs. lost....I did not lose anything more the rest of the month.

* I started and quit a job.

*Struggled to control my love for sugar...several occasions of eating some candy while living a sugar free lifestyle. Like a non-smoker just randomly going and getting a pack of cigarettes and smoking every.single.one!!!

*Strayed from my flawless exercise routine...and now struggle to get my ass back there!

JUNE - will be much better, because I CHOOSE for it to me. No more of this floundering crap!

Wallowing

Yup, that is exactly what I'm doing.
My brain is on overload, life is messy and I feel out of control...not my food or exercie.. just my mind and life.
I took a part time job, started last week - hate it, don't need it, but feel bad to quit. Like a failure.

My Dr has been messing with my meds. She changed me to something new (after 4yrs) I thought it was ok - my family informed me it was NOT. So she changed me again and it's not getting better...ugh!

I made a huge mistake on some bills...thought the due date was the 19th, turns out it was the 16th. 21 months later I get a notice that we owe $747.00 in late fees...REALLY? WTF? Make me even feel worse for wanting to quit the dam'd job, like I should hold out until I personally earn the $747...since it was MY fault.

Oh the list goes on...

UNTIL

Yesterday started out so good...UNTIL
A wonderful loss and a new milestone met....UNTIL
Workout went good...UNTIL....the call

I received a phone call yesterday informing me that my mom's best friend had died.
People die right? That's part of the cycle. It wasn't that she passed from the earth, it was how.
She was murdered at the hands of her own husband of over 40years. Choked to death with his hand that for a lifetime had supported and cared for her. In recent years he has struggled with some mental illness, and evidently went of his medicine, missed some doses, or something critical to enter an altered state.

My mom is devastated to put it mildly. As kids we grew up calling this couple Aunt & Uncle...they've been to our Thanksgivings, Christmas', my wedding, the birth of my children, just everything. I am still in a state of shock and can not believe this has taken place, but I can not use it as a reason to derail me from my efforts right now, as the old Angie would likely sit and snack away the pain.

I made it to the gym today...I did 15mins of cardio and 45mins of weights.
It felt good if only for an hour of distraction between phone calls and tears.

There is no good way to call people and explain this situation.
I went to Walgreens to send a sympathy card to my friend, the daughter of the victim who was left to pick of the pieces and handle a funeral for her sweet mom...
There are NO appropriate cards to send for such a horrendous event, no one deserves to die like that, no child should have to loose both parents {essentially} in one day!

Fail.

Woke up at my routine 5am to go workout at my new & awesome 24hr hour gym, only to be contacted my sweet hubby that the roads were a solid sheet of ice and to not dare venture out. We were one of the many areas under the winter storm warning this week and it began raining overnight to compound the problem. So I waited up for him to arrive home from work and enjoyed a cup of coffee and returned back to bed.

I hate days when my workout plans get messed up . I sit around thinking about it all day. Today was my running day. I love running on that awesome new Woodway Treadmill at the gym. I can't run in the house. Dang. I'm kinda OCD you might say...LOL!

Eating was good. Stayed on track calorie-wise, I'm pretty good at that.
Hoping now that it just stays cold overnight tonight and no more rain - so I can be a happy girl at 5am and go run tomorrow what I missed today!

Dark Days

The past 24hours have been a drama filled roller coaster. The old me would have said "screw it" and found some comfort in the closest bag of chocolate...but I'm proud to say I didn't handle the stress that way this time.

Women...what can I say. You put more than 2 in a room and the sparks will eventually fly. I can't stand drama. I feel like I am having to leave so many things and people behind on my journey to change. I'm sure it's for the best, but hard to face so many changes. I guess when your really trying to accomplish a goal - you can truly see who your supporters are - and who more importantly are the saboteurs. I'm just having to work thru eliminating all the negative in my life.

On a brighter note I weighted in at a loss of 1lb this week - I'LL TAKE IT!

Good News?

Well, I ordered a new swimsuit for water aerobics a bit over 2 weeks ago. It was back ordered...but I was willing to wait because it was the color I wanted.

The GOOD NEWS: It finally arrived today
The BAD NEWS: it's too dam big!

I should have taken my measurements before ordering, but instead lazy me just ordered the next smallest size (because I was only buying a new one because my current one is too big). Who would have thought I'd need to go down 2 sizes!!! I should be happy...but what a pain mail order is sometimes. It will be Monday or Tuesday before the next one arrives....but in the end I'll love it I'm sure. They are the BEST swimsuits ever...with a 1yr warranty!!! My first non-H2Owear suit wore out in 6weeks!!! My current one is 12 weeks old and looks as good at day 1.

All is well here...on track eating, working out. Bumped up my weights a bit this week...it was tolerated well the 1st day I adjusted it, so I'm gonna stick with it tomorrow. I never dreamed a day would come that I'd look forward to working out. Or that one day I'd be mad if someone was on my favorite Precor AMT!!! Life has shifted so much in the past 6 months it's almost hard to know who I was before and where I am truly headed...but I do know, I plan for the numbers on that scale to keep heading down!

Cheer up babycakes

I need to take my own advice. I need to focus less on the number on the scale and more on "being healthy". After 2 weeks of playing with the same 1-2lbs going up and down day after day..I'm flat frustrated. I know I shouldn't be so wrapped up in the"number" but I feel like I'm working my butt off, eating right and getting no results. I get all caught up in it and think "why am I working so hard for nothing!"
I can't figure out if I'm not eating enough (I can't imagine it being eating too much - cause I never go over points) I'm doing water aerobics 3 days a week (6hrs weekly) I've added working out at the gym to the mix - doing the treadmill, stair-master and weights 2 days a week also...why on earth and I not seeing any change???